Born To Die
by rozethorngirl
Summary: When Steve loses his last connection to his past, he falls into a deep depression; until an opportunity presents itself in the form of a portal. Going against everything he's been taught, he decides to jump through. What he finds on the other side may be what he's been looking for the whole time. Can he hold onto it, is the question.
1. Prologue

**TITLE: **Born To Die  
**RATING: **NC-17/MA  
**GENRE: **AU, Slash, Romance/Angst/Drama  
**PAIRING(S): **Steve Rogers/Tony Stark  
**CHARACTER(S): **Marvel Assorted  
**WARNING(S): **Character Death (Sorta Kinda Temporary), Travel Between Realities, New Reality No Powers, Teacher!Tony Stark, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has Issues, Steve Rogers Has Issues, bottom!Tony Stark, OOC, Not Comics Compliant, I Don't Have Practical Knowledge Of The Comics, Sorry To Disappoint, Abuse, Violence, Language, M/M Slash  
**SPOILER(S): **Some For The Avengers Movie  
**DISCLAIMER: **Own nothing but the plot and the original characters. All mistakes are mine.  
**VERSE: **None  
**SUMMARY: **When Steve loses his last connection to his past, he falls into a deep depression; until an opportunity presents itself in the form of a portal. Going against everything he's been taught, he decides to jump through. What he finds on the other side may be what he's been looking for the whole time. Can he hold onto it, is the question.  
**A/N: **Starts off in the prologue as 2nd POV. Don't worry, by chapter one it'll switch to normal. Kind of had this idea rolling around in my head. I hope you enjoy it! Comments, Kudos, Bookmarks, and Reviews are appreciated!

**Prologue**

You can barely focus.

There's people screaming at you…screaming _for_ you…but you barely hear them. It's like you're swimming under water on dry land.

All you see is Tony Stark, flying into a black hole.

A portal.

A rip in space and time that is bringing forth the Hellbeasts you and your team have been fighting against for hours now.

And you're mesmerized and horrified in equal parts. It's like watching a train wreck, you can't force yourself to look away.

Tony Stark isn't this noble.

Tony Stark isn't this…_heroic_.

Tony Stark doesn't fly into what will most likely be his death…_willingly_…without hesitation or discussion…

No.

That isn't Anthony Edward Stark: billionaire, playboy, philanthropist. That isn't any man you knew.

That anyone knew.

It's someone different, someone special…someone irreplaceable.

But maybe, just maybe, that _has_ been Tony this whole time and you just weren't paying attention. You were too busy trying to be right. Trying to prove to yourself as well as everyone else your worth and relevance to the new team you were thrust into. That you were too busy the mourning the life you lost, that you didn't see that Tony was never really in competition with you.

He actually extended the arm of friendship – in his own way – multiple times, only for you to so stubbornly shove it away.

That actually, truthfully, _you_ had been in competition with _him_. Competing against everything that you once were before you became Captain America.

That you had been an unfair, judgmental asshole to someone who not only didn't deserve it; but was the son of one of your closest friends before you became – as Tony had jokingly said – a Capsicle.

And suddenly you feel terribly sick.

If Howard had been alive..._god_.

How could you do that? Basically spit on the friendship you had by not respecting his boy, based on some tabloid articles and someone else's opinion of him?

You start to feel like the scum of the earth, because the proof of how untrue those opinions are of Tony is plainly obvious now. Something you would have known had you cared to.

Your head is a mess, and you can't hear anything being said. Can't feel anything going on around you. Not even Hulk as he continues to rip through all of Manhattan.

Desperately you close your eyes and pray for this to be a dream.

To not let it be that you never have the opportunity to apologize. To accept that arm of friendship. To get close to that wonderful man that infuriates as much as he inspires.

But when you open your eyes it's still happening. Everything is still falling apart like sand through your closed fist, and you can't breathe, and part of you wants to stop trying to.

…Stark clears the portal with the bomb….

Distantly you hear Natasha talking…

…everybody is waiting for Tony to come out with a quip and ill placed sexual platitude…

But Tony never does.

And as if your body is on autopilot you tell Natasha to close the portal, sealing off any hope of seeing him ever again.

And that's precisely when you stop trying to focus altogether.


	2. Chapter 1 Answer Me With Silence

**WORDS: **4406  
**SPOILER(S): **Some For The Avengers Movie, as well as Captain America 1 and The Iron Man Movies  
**DISCLAIMER: **Own nothing but the plot and the original characters. All mistakes are mine.  
**A/N: **Thank you so much for the support for this story! I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint. And when you're done, go over to YouTube and check out an AMAZING video by ann2who titled Steve & Tony No Lights ** Civil War AU **. It will BLOW YOU AWAY!

**Chapter One ~ Answer Me With Silence**

Rain.

It was fitting for the mood of the general public, as well as Steve, in the hours and day that followed the battle.

It was as if Thor had sensed the need for grief and sorrow, and called forth the sheaths of wind and thunder that ushered in the falling water. However, he had nothing to do with it at all. It was more of instinctual universe thing.

Sad times call for sad sights.

And New York battered and broken, awash in dirty droplets, was one of the saddest sights there is.

It rained and rained like the collective tears of the country were pouring from the clouds above. Spilling the anguish at the tragedy and hopelessness that was left behind.

If Steve were capable of reaching his artistic self, he would find it darkly beautiful.

Instead he just sees the dust and debris that wash down the drains and mar the faces and building all around him.

From his position in the closing doorway of the helicopter lifting him and his teammates away from the scene, he sees a mother holding a baby under a destroyed awning. It's obvious the mother is trying to protect her child from the elements, and idly he wonders what happened to her specifically during the battle.

Did she see firsthand the unprecedented heroism exercised? Did she cry when Tony disappeared into the black hole? Was she attacked by the Chitauri? Was that even her child; or was it left by someone who died, and she's trying to do the right thing?

It rains on as the door snaps in place and they are all carried away.

~T&S~

"Captain Rogers," Fury called from the doorway to the large SHIELD hospital room.

Steve was standing and looking out through the large floor-to-ceiling windows over the courtyard, upper arm wrapped in gauze and butterfly bandages peppering his face. The room is large enough to house three injured soldiers, at least; but it only had one bed in the very center, with comfy love seat and chairs off to the side and a large flat screen above.

It appeared that being Captain America allotted privileges Steve neither requires nor wants.

He doesn't turn to acknowledge the Director, which Fury must take as acknowledgement enough since he makes his way inside despite the coolness of Steve's silent rebuff.

He comes to stand beside Steve at the window with his thumbs in his pockets and standard scowl firmly in place.

"Your team did well, Rogers," Fury grunts as he crosses his arms.

Steve sneers as he shakes his head, "Yeah. Destroying half of Midtown and its denizens." He responds. Then in a quieter voice he adds, "And one of our members were…_lost_…saving all of our lives."

Fury clears his throat. "I'm sorry about Stark. But it wasn't anything you or the rest of you did. There was nothing you could do – "

"I _know_ it _wasn't_ us," Steve almost growls as he finally turns his face to the man next to him. "You don't need to assure me that my team did everything in their control to handle the crisis, because I _know_ they did. Nor do you need to tell me that Tony Stark's actions were anyone's fault but the _government_ I swore to fight for."

Breathing hard, Steve turned away and leaned forward against the window. "He wouldn't have _needed_ to fly into that hole with the nuke if it hadn't been for them. What transpired was a _travesty_. A senseless death in the face of _hundreds_ more."

Fury's scowl lightened as much as it ever would, Steve thought, as he nodded solemnly. "Captain I can assure you – "

"With all due respect, you can't assure me of _anything_, Director," Steve cut off. "The fact of the matter is, none of this would have even happened had it not been for your organization messing around with the very thing HYDRA used against me before – before…" he stopped at a loss for words, which only served to piss him off further.

He was already boiling over with rage.

Rage at Loki.

Rage at SHIELD.

Rage at the government.

Rage at technology and this hopeless new world he woke up in.

But more than anything else, rage at himself for being so very wrong and off base and a-a…well, a bully. To a man who probably had more bravery than he did because while he signed up to protect people, Tony was actually little more than a civilian dressed in a fancy suit playing at being a superhero.

It wasn't fair.

But then again it never is, is it?

There's never anything you can say or do for those that lost their loved ones that makes up for that hole in their soul they leave behind. No words of comfort, no reassurances that it was worth it, no medals of honor – nothing takes the pain away.

Steve feels sick with guilt coiling in his stomach and he can't make that go away either.

"I understand you ire, Captain," Fury says, kinder than probably anyone has ever heard him. "You have every right to be angry, but we have things we need to address now that Stark is gone. Whether we like to acknowledge it or not, Stark Industries is a large force that has a lot of enemies. Not to mention, Tony himself had tons."

Steve sighed and closed his eyes.

It was odd hearing the Director refer to him as _Tony. _He briefly wondered if Fury had ever used that name to his face; and if he had, would Tony have felt more included in their endeavor, rather than the annoying tag along?

"You believe his company is in danger," he says evenly and turns fully around.

Fury's face is grim and serious as he responds, "More than his company is in danger, Captain. Potentially the entire free world. Stark had such technological advancements that even some of our smartest scientists probably wouldn't be able to make heads or tails of most of it. So I'm sure I don't need to stress the severity of the situation we may have ahead of us."

No. Fury didn't.

Steve nodded at him and sucked on his teeth, feeling his stomach roil as he thinks over all of the realm of possibilities if someone dangerous got their hands on Stark's company.

"Stark left the company, as well as all of his shares, to Pepper Potts: his girlfriend and CEO," Fury continued. "We need to get in touch with her and persuade her to – "

"No," Steve replied shortly.

Fury scoffed. "No? You didn't allow me to finish, Rogers."

"You don't need to, because I know what you'll say," Steve growled. "And the answer is no. Stark Industries will not become a toy for your organization to play around with. After the Tessaract, I don't believe you can convince me your intentions are entirely pure."

Fury's mouth settled into a hard line. "I don't believe you understand how ridiculous you sound. Fully pure intentions or not, the safer bet would be us in maintaining at least the idea of what Stark built – "

Steve shakes his head and shouts in as Fury keeps talking, "And there it is!"

" – instead of leaving it up to someone who has great malicious intent to come through and use it destroy more than _just _Midtown Manhattan, Captain Rogers!"

"So you can what exactly?" Steve asks angrily, coming forward to stand closer in the Director's space. "Use it to generate weapons of mass destruction to destroy _something_ _else_?" He shouts. "And then, after another disaster, you can clean it up and paint a thin veneer of '_Oh well, Tony Stark was a superhero, so defending the world by blowing it up is what he did anyway.'_?_"_

He folds his arms over his chest and takes a deep breath, choosing not to look Fury in the eye as he does so out of his fully purified anger.

After a moment, he huffs and then says in a much calmer voice, "Stark changed his company from an arms dealer into one that actually benefits society; and who are you or anyone to undermine that?

Fury crosses his own arms in kind and clears his throat. "Bypassing the fact that I am your commanding officer, and thus if I tell you to seize control of SI you do it; because I know you aren't one who will respond nicely to such goading."

"Damn right," Steve snorts.

"_Bypassing it_," he repeats. "The fact of the matter remains, Stark Industries is in trouble and so is Miss Potts. Now since you are so passionate about it, you will become responsible of what happens with the company. Moreover, you are responsible for the safety of its employees, Potts, and the world if someone were to take measures to cause harm to the general public utilizing his tech."

Steve is about to interject, but Fury holds up a hand.

"I will allow for Miss Potts to assume her place as sole owner and CEO without interference. However, the first sign of danger and an inability to control it, we _will _become intimately involved."

Steve thought it over, twisting and turning it around in his mind.

And no matter how much he tried not to, he wondered if it would be what Tony would want. He owed it to the man to do everything he could to keep his legacy from being shit all over by power hungry individuals; and also keep the woman he loved safe and whole.

…or as whole as she ever would be now.

"Fine," he finally agrees.

He distinctly ignored the shiver down his back as he imagined Tony telling him thank you.

~T&S~

"Tony Stark was a visionary,"Rhodey said, standing behind a podium and speaking to the cameras at the back of the room as well as everyone present. "A person who never let the things normal people call _scientifically_ _impossible_, stop him from proving how possible it was. He spent countless hours creating beautiful achievements that have helped the world in more ways than one. I mean, where would we all be without our StarkTablet or StarkPhone?"

There was a collective soft chuckle amongst everyone present – everyone except for Steve and Pepper.

It's sad, Steve muses while sitting next to Tony's crying girlfriend Pepper, how no one truly appreciates you until after you die.

They are at the publically broadcasted memorial funded by Stark Industries, and there's tons of people there he has no idea the name of. He recognizes a few, some Hollywood actors and actresses that get their faces plastered across fancy magazines and sold in grocery stores a lot. But it sickens him to think Tony may have touched this many people and died never knowing that.

The funeral itself is beautiful.

It's filled with lots of flowers and a seven-foot tall picture of Tony in happier spirits than anyone present. Steve realizes the picture displayed is a private one taken by Pepper or JARVIS of him in his workshop, smiling across his worktable, looking for all the world right at home.

Looking truly content.

And he understands why Pepper would have chosen it, because it shows the side of Tony only a handful of people had the privilege of knowing. A side of Tony _he _never knew.

The way he should be, and deserves to be, remembered.

A genius that loved his work because it helped people, but more importantly loved the people his work helped.

"But…after the tragedy in New York…we're all-all left wondering now what will we do without Tony Stark?" Rhodey asked in a strained voice, swallowing. "He was my _best_ friend. I will _never_ have another person in my life that will be able to replace the hole he's left; and for any who knew him personally, I know I speak for you as well when I say that."

That sick feeling that he just can't seem to shake returns.

Rhodey clears his throat, eyes glistening as he wipes at them. "I could go on forever about how he was just a great person. Had a dozen charities he personally created and headed up that are making great progress in things like cancer, world hunger, and protection for battered partners both male and female."

Everyone nodded their heads, even Pepper as she sniffed into a handkerchief. He feels like an intruder. Like he doesn't belong.

Or maybe that he doesn't deserve to be present. Because he never knew Tony like Pepper or Happy or Colonel Rhodes did. In the short time he was in his presence, he insulted him more than was humanly right and belittled everything he was.

How is it okay for him to be sitting next to the woman who knew the man better than anyone and offering his shoulder?

"There's no reason for me to even remind anyone of the good he did as Iron Man," he continued intensely, "because the evidence of this was wildly apparent as he ushered the bomb that would have blown Manhattan _completely_ away into that-that black hole. He…" Rhodey bit his lip and looked down at the podium, "I'm sorry, I'm having a bit of a hard time."

Steve laced his fingers with Pepper's when she put her hand on top of his. He shoved the feeling of wrong down as far as it could go.

He briefly wonders if this is what Bucky's funeral would have been like. Since there wasn't a body to mourn over, would there have just been a picture and a bunch of sad people wishing they had something real to look at and say goodbye to? But then he feels like a jerk for even entertaining the thought during a funeral for someone else.

Rhodey sniffed and wiped his eyes again, "Tony sacrificed himself. He acted as a soldier should…better than a soldier. And he wasn't-wasn't even…" He shakes his head. "_God," _he sobs out.

Steve grits his teeth when he hears the reporters snap pictures and write furiously.

"I'm sorry," he sniffs. "It's been a week and it still feels like yesterday. And I feel so terrible because there's tons of people who feel this way too for losing their loved ones, but…" he shakes his head.

"It's not fair. It _wasn't _fair," he says and bites his lip. "Tony shouldn't have been there. He was a civilian. Just like everyone else. He wasn't trained for that. He wasn't a sworn soldier. He got roped into heroics because the man who swore to protect him betrayed him, and he had an _insane_ thought that he had a fucking _duty _to make his second chance worth something by throwing himself into harms way and…"

He sobs and shakes his head. "And _damn it _but he did. He gave everything he had to offer this country and this world, and no one has a right to say otherwise in front of me or behind me." He huffs and wipes his eyes again. "Tony _was _a hero. He didn't have to do what he did. He didn't have to become Iron Man and protect anyone, but he did anyway. That is the definition of a hero. And I hope he will forever be remembered for that even more than his technology. He was a good – no – an _incredible _man."

Everyone nods and other than Steve, no one is able to hold in their tears in any longer. Even Natasha is covertly wiping her eyes. His own are like the Sahara.

Crying won't bring the man back, and crying for a man he barely knew seemed infinitely wrong towards those who did. But Lord knows, if he knew it would then he would cry enough to fill a lake.

In so many ways it was absurd – being this shaken over someone he hardly knew. But it didn't stop him from comfortingly squeezing Pepper's hand as Rhodey climbs back down the stairs and the Pastor takes the podium.

He quietly stands and sings along with the hymns.

After the funeral, he starts to leave when Clint grabs his wrist and indicates with his head he's expected to stand on the platform.

"No, I really shouldn't," he quietly protests even as the smaller man is pulling him in that direction.

His stomach nearly revolts at the idea; but he sees Colonel Rhodes and Banner and Romanoff all climb to stand with Pepper. So he can't be the odd man out can he?

Accepting condolences is exhausting.

He doesn't know if he sounds sufficiently sad enough or grateful enough. He doesn't even really know why they're giving them to him.

Pepper was Tony's…_everything _apparently. It made sense for the woman to be up there.

Colonel Rhodes was Tony's best friend.

Happy was Tony's other best friend.

Why was he or any of The Avengers (and what a joke of a name _that_ was considering one of their own is dead and they aren't _Avenging_ it) up here acting like they had rights or claims to anybody's sympathy?

It feels disgustingly wrong, and wishes the line would end so he could go and properly puke. He hasn't felt well at all since the event, and he knows if it weren't for the serum he would have probably lost a few pounds from his lack of an appetite. And it didn't make sense why the passing of somebody he didn't know bothered him so much.

Sure, yes, he was Howard's son; but other than that he had no reason to feel so deeply affected by his passing.

Shortly – or possibly long and he zoned out – it's over, and it's time for the reception, which will be hosted in Tony's Malibu house. He doesn't want to go, feeling awful enough for everything, to have to stand through that too; but Pepper's shaking arm threads through his without him noticing and she guides him to her limo.

Well, that was that then.

He wants to ask what was with people deciding where he goes today, but one look at the woman's ashen face he bites his tongue. Hard.

"Tony would have hated that whole thing," she says airily after awhile of being in the car.

It startles him because the woman had been mostly silent, other than her tears, since the end of the battle a week ago. She has a glass of something that's decidedly _not _juice in her hand, and is smiling sadly into it.

She chuckles slightly, "It's pathetic I couldn't give him the funeral he would have wanted, but it's not like I was really prepared for...well…" She sniffs and stares out the window.

"It was a beautiful service," he tells her kindly.

She sniffs and rubs her nose, "Yeah for someone else. It was too much and too televised. God I can only imagine what he would have done if he were there, probably make a crack about all the flowers." She chuckled humorlessly. "But the Board wanted a memorial service to draw attention to his actions as Iron Man and raise our quickly falling stocks. So I was outvoted."

Steve nods, understanding how that would be annoying for her but also the Board's point of view.

"What use is being the CEO and having this whole legacy left to you if you can't even do the man who left it to you proper justice in a pseudo-sendoff?" She shakes her head, sniffing again and taking a sip of her drink.

Steve lowered his eyes briefly, ignoring the pang in his chest. Pepper doesn't know how she almost wasn't in charge of Stark's legacy. That he fought to at least try and keep it so. She doesn't know he's been staying around her for equal parts worry for her well being and watching for threats.

"You did great," he offers even as she shakes her head.

"No. It was too soon," she denies. "Nobody was properly prepared for that. Poor Rhodey is going to get fined for cursing on air, possibly even _court_ _marshaled _for talking about Obadiah." She groans and rubs her forehead.

Steve nodded while looking away. He feels for the other man because Rhodey isn't one to lose composure often. Let alone reveal something classified in the heat of a moment, if what he said could be construed as ambiguous or not.

"That was always the thing about Tony though, you know? Always kept you on your toes and preferred the fly by the seat of your pants method."

Steve smiled at her, "So maybe it was a perfect memorial service after all."

Her eye widened as she looked over at him and she laughed, loud and true. Steve feels himself chuckle some too. And a little of the coil that had been settled in his stomach uncoils after that until she speaks again.

"He was excited to work with you, you know?"

Her words hit him like a ton of bricks. He knows she doesn't mean for them to, that she means them as some kind of tension breaker. For them to be onto a lighter subject. But it feels a lot like acid, burning their way down his spine as he stiffens and looks away quickly.

She continues, a little unsteadily having noticed his dramatic change in attitude. "He was very happy when his company finally reported you found. His childhood dream was to be able to thank you for helping his dad save us from the Nazis and HYDRA."

"Howard told him about me?" Steve asked quietly, biting the inside of his cheek.

She chuckled a little. "Yeah, he did. Everything about you, really. I think there's still a few boxes of action figures, comic books, and posters he had growing up that he never threw away."

Steve breathed out harshly with this news. Because of course the man he was an asshole to secretly had some childhood fantasy of meeting him and becoming the best of friends or something. Why not, right?

"Not sure what I'm going to do with it all now," she muses looking back out the window.

Steve looks up at her. He knows, at least on a topical level, that it was a dumb decision to ask, but for some reason he felt he needed to. That maybe it'd help give insight as to why he can't get the man off his mind.

"Would it be wrong of me to ask to keep it? The stuff?"

Startled by his question, she looks over at him with widened eyes before relaxing.

Nodding, she says softly, "Yeah. You can have it. He'd probably want you to anyway." He smiles weakly and looks at his lap, before she clears her throat slightly and says a little stronger, "Besides, I have a video for you from him. It'd be a nice set."

Steve's eyebrows furrowed, "Why would Stark leave me a video? What's it about?"

"I don't know," she replies. "If there's one thing that has always remained true when it comes…" she cleared her throat as her lip wobbled slightly, "…when it _came _to Tony, it was that he had his secrets."

He doesn't really know what to say to that.

~T&S~

The Avengers had all been staying at various hotel rooms, but it was as if by unspoken agreement they all chose to stay the night with Pepper in the Malibu mansion after the wake.

For Steve it was a little stifling being surrounded by Tony's personal things and being forced to breathe the air he did. Like being slowly and sweetly suffocated by the domesticity and normalness of his life. But he owed it both of them to be present for this trying time for Pepper, and he'd like to think Tony would be grateful.

He's lying in bed staring at the ceiling, thankful JARVIS left the windows un tinted so he could have the starlight come through. He gave trying to fall asleep over an hour ago, and instead continued the trend of restlessness and inability to settle the war in his heart.

His home is gone.

New York is a disaster zone.

SHIELD wants to basically destroy a woman's life by coming and taking over.

His friends are all long since dead.

He failed to protect someone that was his last connection to another long since deceased friend.

He was a failure as Captain America and he knew it.

Honestly, he just wishes he could ask Tony directly if anything he had done so far was at all what he would have wanted. Or if he would have preferred SHIELD take possession of the company and protect Pepper in a more hands on fashion.

The largest part of his brain screams no, but the sniggle of doubt won't shut up.

"JARVIS?" he says into the quiet air, not expecting the robotic English voice to answer quite as loudly as it does.

"Yes, Captain Rogers?"

He jumps slightly but sighs and rubs his forehead. "Would it be completely stupid of me to ask you bring up a picture of Tony?"

"No, sir. What type of picture do you require?"

Steve bit his lip as he thought it over. "Something real," he says helplessly.

There's silence until a flat screen raises out of the end of the bed, startling him. It turns on and Steve sits up, letting the bed sheets and duvet crinkle as he does so, with interest to see what comes on.

What flicks into view is an old recording of Tony in his workshop, testing out machinery Steve assumed belonged to the Iron Man suit. Tony looked a few years younger, but slightly more haggard. Like he had just come back from something awful and had to keep his mind busy.

He remembers then the reports he read on Afghanistan and his kidnapping, and feels himself frown. Tony should have been resting and recuperating, not milling his sleeplessness away in a shop.

"Does this suit your needs, sir?"

Steve looks to the ceiling and smiles a little. "Yes, thank you JARVIS."

He spends the next half entranced by the intense concentration of Tony as well as him appearing to scold his bots. It relaxes him in a way he would never be able to form words for.

"Oh, Stark," he sighs as watches the man fall again. "What do you want me to do?"

No one answers him.


End file.
